Exhausted

Have you ever taken a deep breath and realized how exhausted you are? I did that today. My friends have been going through some tough stuff today, and I've been trying to be there for them, but stuff like this, and getting ready for a garage sale just drains me. I am so tired. My feet hurt, I'm a tad sun-burned, and I'm trying really hard to keep my eyes open. You ever have days like that? When you are just so tired. I don't mean just physically, but just emotionally, spiritually, AND physically worn out.
I'm the type of person who wants to fix things. I'm the type that wants to just talks things through and work it out. I will not just let a problem pass my way without doing something about it. My problem here is that I try to load too much on myself and will just wear myself out trying to fix it. Beyond that, because I try so hard to fix it, and it doesn't always work out, I get discouraged and wonder if I do any good for anyone. Here are my two challenges for myself today: #1. To give these burdens back to the Lord, instead of doing it on my own. #2. To not get discouraged in trying to help people. Below, I wrote out Galations 6:9, one of my favorite pieces of scripture. I'm clinging to this scripture today. I hope you can draw encouragement from it as well.

Galations 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Life to the Fullest!!

I watched my best friend graduate today. I saw her transparency as she read one of her amazing poems. I watched her parents give her her diploma. Our eyes met when she was onstage and I was in the crowd. I grinned and gave her a thumbs up, and she smiled back at me. I was so proud of her. She's grown so much, and has become a woman truly after God's own heart.
Today was a powerful day. Looking back on highschool and seeing where we are now. I'm embarking on my final year in highschool and part of me is ready to be done, and the other part thinks it's coming too fast. I think of what will happen after highshool, about recording, and seeing where God takes me and my music. It's been a crazy year of trials, growth, and everything inbetween. It's been a year of friends, a year of enemies, a year of anger, a year of forgiveness, a year of promise, and a year of unexpectancy. More or less, it has been a year of life.
I wonder, what would happen if we lived everyday like there was no tomorrow? What would happen if we embraced every moment, and were thankful for every day? How would our lives change? Life is racing by right now, and I hope I can grab as many memories as I can along the way.
My challenge for you today: Live life to the fullest! Live your life to the glory of God because we are NOT promised tomorrow! Love your family, thank your friends, forgive the people who've hurt you, and give your all to the Lord. Take everything one day at a time, and let God lead you. You'll find a peace in that that surpasses understanding.

John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life in all it's fullness.

God is Good

Have you ever gotten a look that says "you've got to be kidding me"? Have you ever heard that tone of voice that says "you're insane"? I have. I've felt crazy the past few days. This year, I've been to the end of the spectrum and back. I've gone from the cookie-cutter "good girl" plan of going to college and getting my degree, to the plan of pursuing my dream of being a recording artist and then worrying about my degree. Whenever I hear the question "so where are you thinking of going to college?" I flinch. I hate saying "nowhere?". After my explanation of what I want to do I get the "Ok..." answer which means "you're soooo throwing your life away".
The funny thing to me is I sound like that kid that rebels against her parents and says "I don't WANT to go to college! I want to play MUSIC!" For anyone who assumes that of me, I've got a news flash: My parents are all for this! My dad was one of the main people who affected my decision of following this path. I really love my dad. He's the kind of guy you go to when you want an honest opinion of whether or not your plan will work. My dad is a critical person. I don't mean it in that he's mean or anything, but he will tell you the truth of things. But here's the best part: because my dad is encouraging me to pursue Sarah Camille and a career in the music industry, HE THINKS I CAN DO IT. That says a lot coming from my dad. I have a growing respect for him every day. One day he said "I'll be happy as long as my kids are doing what they want to do." I love my dad. I really do. And I appreciate so much that he encourages me to chase my dreams.
It's still hard to follow this knowing I seem like an idiot. But here's something I've learned about life: it has it's twists and turns, but at the end of the day so much of what people think doesn't matter. My best friend sent me a text today saying God is good. I replied saying "yes He is." But man! Take those words to heart! God is Good!! In times when everything fits together, God is good. In times when you're watching your life fall apart, God is good. In times of blessings, in times of trials, God is still GOOD!! I'm clinging to that. God is good. God knows best. God has the plan. God is good.

Pain. Ice. Is There More?

Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Seems like those are the only two things I feel these days. I lift my arm: pain. I shrug my shoulders: pain. A pat on the back: pain. Touch, feeling, ANYTHING: pain. Shoulder pain: ice. Back pain: ice. I've forgotten what it's like to wake up in the morning and not be in pain. I've grown accustomed to my condition. It's normal to hurt. It's normal to be tense. It's all just a part of things. Five months I've been here. Five months I've heard people claim they'll fix me. I've heard more solutions than I can imagine. I've been told that I have a screwed up shoulders. I've been told that my upper body is weak. I've been told that my back looks like I was in a car wreck. I've been told a lot of things, the one thing I'm lacking is a solution. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hopeful...sorta. It's just hard to be optimistic when you're sore, tired, and (literally) sick.
I've been mulling over the verses Romans 5:3-5. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us...." These verses were written on a coin my dad threw at me one night. (No, I'm not kidding, he chucked it at me and it hurt!) Mulling over these verses, I decided to look up some key words. Rejoice: "to be glad; take delight". Sufferings: (well, I looked this one up and all they said was talking about things that suffer. Don't you love when the definition uses the word of unkown meaning in the definition?) I found some good synonyms: torture, torment, agony. Do you see a contradiction so far? I'm glad to be in agony? Huh? But wait. There's more. Our sufferings produce perseverance. Perseverance: "steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. " Now this is interesting...Hard times help us to overcome more hard times. Cool? I think so. Hold on, perseverance produces character. Character: "qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity". Hmmm...I'm liking this so far. But God isn't done yet! Character produces hope. Hope: (I like this definition) "to believe, desire, or trust". Now hope intrigues me the most. Could it be that hope is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead us through? Sounds about right to me. And best of all, hope does not disappoint us. Disappoint: "to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of". Now we've hit on something! HOPE, as we defined before: to believe God, to desire His Will, and to trust Him to lead us through will NEVER fail to to fulfill the expectations or wishes of us. Now, we have to realize that God may not always do what we want, but in the end HIS plan exceeds our expectations.
Are you encouraged at all? I hope so, because I am encouraged after writing this. I've clung to these verses in the midst of my trials, but this is the first time I really dug into them. I love Scripture. I love how you can dig into it and find something no one else has. There's always something new and encouraging to see. We have an amazing God, don't we? I challenge you, if you're going through a rough time right now, cling to scripture. It doesn't have to be this particular scripture, but anything that catches your interest. Break it down into bite-size pieces and see what God teaches you. You may be surprised.
All I felt when I began this post was pain and ice. Now I feel warmth and encouragement. I feel God beside me, running this race with me. I'm not alone. Not that I ever was, but now I'm reminded. So, today, my final challenge to you is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead you through.

My Junior Year of High School

My junior year in high school started off like most years. New subjects, some new friends, and a fresh desire to see how the year would unfold. Little did I know what God had instore. I may not have been so eager to begin, if I knew what was to come.
I joined a basketball team named "The Beasts". I watched my team grow from five enthusiastic girls, to eight. I noticed shoulder pain during some practices, but thought nothing of it. Our first game rolled around, and I was eager to play. Half way through to game, however, my small shoulder pains turned to throbbing spasms. My team needed me though, I stuck it out and managed to finish the game. At the buzzer, I threw up a shot, and came down with a cramp in my calf, and an inability to breathe. I had left it all on the court and wouldn't return for a month.
After the game, life didn't change much. I continued with my activities as usual. When I asked for prayer at a praise band practice, a doctor amongst us checked it out. He diagnosed it as a muscle spasm, and my mom immediately made a doctor's appointment. "I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to be sick." I told Ben as I burried my head in his shoulder and let him hold me. The promise that it would all be Ok was my only comfort as monday, the day of my appointment, drew nearer.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to just run and run and run til no one could find me. No more pain, no more shoulders, no more doctors. Monday came, and Dr. Doyle diagnosed my muscle spasm and prescribed flexiril to loosen me up. I didn't respond. She sent me to the BPR where I had physical therapy the whole month of December.
After PT, I was better for about a month. I felt great! Life was back to normal, and I could move on from the dark month of December. Tragically, I wasn't anywhere near done with my medical issues. My shoulder pain returned, and this time I walked into the office of a chiropractor, Dr. Schluter. He seemed hopeful, but all I got were suggestions. He suggested stretching and vitamins. The stretches only worsened the tightness in my neck and shoulders, and the vitamins did nothing. Finally, Dr. Schluter said he didn't know what else to do. He popped my back back into alignment time and again, but it just shifted back out. Everything he did just put me in more pain. He said he'd be in touch if he found a solution, but he didn't sound too optimistic.
This all happened on a monday. After returning home, I cried angry tears and yelled at the God who had put me here. I told Him I was angry, and I told Him I couldn't take this anymore. It didn't feel like He heard me. I cried louder and louder. Nothing. I slapped on a mask and went on about my life as if nothing was wrong. I was rotting away on the inside. I felt numb. My depression consumed me. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be alone. God wasn't content with that.
The wednesday after the failure at the chiropractor, I talked to Ben. He had bible verses for me, and told me I wasn't alone. He wasn't going anywhere. Ali, Caleb, and Ben stood by me as I watched God tear my life apart with no hope of patching it up. I watched my plans for the future go up in smoke. I watched my self esteem plummet. I watched in anger and frustration as my life fell apart at the seems.
April rolled around, and life wasn't too bad. I had good times hanging out with my friends and coming to terms with my condition. By May, it all became clear. I wasn't listening. God had been waving His arms and shouting at me, trying desperately to get my attention. He was trying to tell me that my plans weren't His plans. I hadn't given Him everthing. I hadn't given my hopes and my dreams. When He tore my life apart, it was only because He had better in store. I was starting from square one. I felt Him take both my hands, and as He held them tightly, He put one over my eyes, and one in front of me. He asked me if I'd let Him lead me again. I had no choice. I said yes. I felt His arms around me as He comforted me in my loss. I saw Him light the way where He wanted me to go. I felt crazy. I felt stupid. But that's what He wanted.
I'm in massage therapy now. Tomorrow promises healing and recovery. I hope and pray that HIs Will be done, and that whatever I do be pleasing to Him. This year has been a journey. It had its twists and turns, but I see now that that was the only way God could get my attention. Looking back, it wasn't so bad. It just makes me look forward to what tomorrow has for me. I look eagerly to the future, knowing that one way or another, God will have me do what's the best thing for me to do. I only hope I listen better next time.