Hey everybody,
It's been awhile. What a summer...God has shown me new ways of how He can turn my life upside down. My friends have been going through some rough times, my best friend is going to college soon, and her family is moving to Texas. I'm gonna miss her. God couldn't send me another friend like Ali. I keep wondering where the justice is that I was around for her senior year, but she won't be around for mine? Well, such is life.
As I watch my senior year crawl closer and closer, I can feel my stress level go up. Deciding what college I'm going to, my major, finishing up the ACT, getting a job, playing soccer, playing in a church band, three concurrent classes, and Physics which freaks me out for some reason.
I'm still crawling along in Luke, and I came across these verses.
Luke 10:41-42a
"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about so many things, but only one thing is needed."
I read over that, then read it again using my name.
"Sarah, Sarah, you are worried and upset about so many things, but only one thing is needed."
Sound familiar? It did to me. I was so stressed out and worried about so much all at the same time, when only one thing is important. In context, Jesus is talking about the fact that Mary was sitting at His feet, hanging on his every word. Martha was too wrapped up in her house work to notice that what was truly important was just listening to Jesus.
And that's just it! Why am I so worried about everything, when the ONE THING that is REALLY important is Jesus. And doing HIS will. If I can get that under my belt, everything else will fall into place.
All that said, Senior Year, Here I come!!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Who Do I Want to Be?
I've written before about the kinda school year I had this past year. How crazy everything was, and just how God was moving.
I remember people telling me "God will heal you." I'd always reply "If He chooses to." I knew He had a reason for keeping me where I was. I said what I believed almost bitterly because I didn't yet know the reason why God had me where He did. God showed me then that He wasn't my fairy godmother who'd poof out of no-where and say "bibbide-bobbide-boo" and everything would be just peachy. It wasn't as simple as all that. He wanted me to learn
There were times that I fasted later on. God showed me then what beauty truly is. Throughout my life I've struggled with being pretty. I've never been a girly-girl. I didn't where make-up until I was a sophomore in high school. I wore gym shorts daily and owned one pair of jeans until I was a junior in high school. I always struggled with the fact that I didn't fit in with other girls. I wasn't pretty like them. I was plain, simple, and in my eyes, ugly. God's been showing me that that isn't what beauty is. I shouldn't crave compliments like "I love your hair today!" or "Where did you get that shirt? It's so cute!" Those compliments aren't on my character, and don't make an adequate judgement of what kind of person I am. God changed my heart during this year to a new direction. I want to be the girl people say "Oh that Sarah, she is such a sweet girl." or "She really loves people and reaches out to them." or most importantly "Sarah is really a girl after God's own heart, and you can see her passion for Him!" THAT is who I want to be. THAT is who I hope people see. Not what my make-up looks like that day. Not what my hair decided to do with itself. Not my clothes. Just Sarah. Just a girl who strives every day to look more like Jesus. I'm not saying that I'm there. And I'm most certainly not saying people see that in me, but I hope I set that example. Because THAT is who I want to be.
I remember people telling me "God will heal you." I'd always reply "If He chooses to." I knew He had a reason for keeping me where I was. I said what I believed almost bitterly because I didn't yet know the reason why God had me where He did. God showed me then that He wasn't my fairy godmother who'd poof out of no-where and say "bibbide-bobbide-boo" and everything would be just peachy. It wasn't as simple as all that. He wanted me to learn
There were times that I fasted later on. God showed me then what beauty truly is. Throughout my life I've struggled with being pretty. I've never been a girly-girl. I didn't where make-up until I was a sophomore in high school. I wore gym shorts daily and owned one pair of jeans until I was a junior in high school. I always struggled with the fact that I didn't fit in with other girls. I wasn't pretty like them. I was plain, simple, and in my eyes, ugly. God's been showing me that that isn't what beauty is. I shouldn't crave compliments like "I love your hair today!" or "Where did you get that shirt? It's so cute!" Those compliments aren't on my character, and don't make an adequate judgement of what kind of person I am. God changed my heart during this year to a new direction. I want to be the girl people say "Oh that Sarah, she is such a sweet girl." or "She really loves people and reaches out to them." or most importantly "Sarah is really a girl after God's own heart, and you can see her passion for Him!" THAT is who I want to be. THAT is who I hope people see. Not what my make-up looks like that day. Not what my hair decided to do with itself. Not my clothes. Just Sarah. Just a girl who strives every day to look more like Jesus. I'm not saying that I'm there. And I'm most certainly not saying people see that in me, but I hope I set that example. Because THAT is who I want to be.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Let Down Your Nets
Golly, I love scripture. I've been digging into the Gospel of Luke the past few days, and I am LOVING it. Funny what you can pick up, and what you can apply if you read between the lines a little, and look at what the passage is actually talking about instead of just reading words.
One of my favorite bits of scripture is Luke 5:1-11. It's a story we've all heard billions of times, (ok, maybe not THAT many ;)) but this time around, I caught on something new. Here's the story:
1One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, 2he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.
4When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."
5Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
6When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.
8When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" 9For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, 10and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.
Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." 11So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.
Interesting little story. What I love about this is what happens in verses 4 and 5. Jesus tells Simon (later named Peter) to let down the nets just one more time. Peter makes it clear that he and his companions have been working ALL NIGHT with no luck. They probably smelled like mirky lake water. They were tired. I bet their feet hurt too. I wonder if Simon was thinking "I just want to go HOME!" I know I would've been. But he says "because you say so, I will let down the nets." And guess what?! They pulled in so many fish, their boat couldn't carry them all! It's like a fisherman's dream come true!!
I love Peter. He had his rough spots, but he was a really neat guy. I love his faith here. Despite all the discouragement I'm sure he went through that night, he was willing to try one more time because Jesus asked him too. Am I willing to do that? Are you? Sometimes in life I can get wrapped up in excuses like "God, I'm too tired", or "God, I already tried that", or "God, that's crazy". Is it enough for me to do what he asked me to do just because he asked me to? Interesting to think about. I've thought a lot about this lately with my life decisions, and what's just been going on with me lately. Why is it not enough for me to make a decision I feel like God is leading me to? Why do I worry about what people will say, and the looks I'll get. Do I have the guts, the FAITH to cast down my nets, put it all on the line, and do what He asked me to do just because I am THAT on fire for His kingdom?
At the end of the story, Simon, James, and John leave EVERYTHING and follow Jesus. Not a word, not a single complaint, they just leave. No thoughts to their future, no thoughts to their next meal, they just followed.
Sometimes you'll find yourself at what seems like a rocky cliff. You look down. Rocks. Sharp ones. They represent all your worries. "What if it doesn't work out?" "What if I'm wrong?" Jesus stands behind you and whispers "Do you trust me? Take of leap of faith! An unsure step won't get you across. I'm here. I'll help you on your way. Let down your nets. Leave it all. Trust me."
One of my favorite bits of scripture is Luke 5:1-11. It's a story we've all heard billions of times, (ok, maybe not THAT many ;)) but this time around, I caught on something new. Here's the story:
1One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, 2he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.
4When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."
5Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
6When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.
8When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" 9For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, 10and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.
Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." 11So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.
Interesting little story. What I love about this is what happens in verses 4 and 5. Jesus tells Simon (later named Peter) to let down the nets just one more time. Peter makes it clear that he and his companions have been working ALL NIGHT with no luck. They probably smelled like mirky lake water. They were tired. I bet their feet hurt too. I wonder if Simon was thinking "I just want to go HOME!" I know I would've been. But he says "because you say so, I will let down the nets." And guess what?! They pulled in so many fish, their boat couldn't carry them all! It's like a fisherman's dream come true!!
I love Peter. He had his rough spots, but he was a really neat guy. I love his faith here. Despite all the discouragement I'm sure he went through that night, he was willing to try one more time because Jesus asked him too. Am I willing to do that? Are you? Sometimes in life I can get wrapped up in excuses like "God, I'm too tired", or "God, I already tried that", or "God, that's crazy". Is it enough for me to do what he asked me to do just because he asked me to? Interesting to think about. I've thought a lot about this lately with my life decisions, and what's just been going on with me lately. Why is it not enough for me to make a decision I feel like God is leading me to? Why do I worry about what people will say, and the looks I'll get. Do I have the guts, the FAITH to cast down my nets, put it all on the line, and do what He asked me to do just because I am THAT on fire for His kingdom?
At the end of the story, Simon, James, and John leave EVERYTHING and follow Jesus. Not a word, not a single complaint, they just leave. No thoughts to their future, no thoughts to their next meal, they just followed.
Sometimes you'll find yourself at what seems like a rocky cliff. You look down. Rocks. Sharp ones. They represent all your worries. "What if it doesn't work out?" "What if I'm wrong?" Jesus stands behind you and whispers "Do you trust me? Take of leap of faith! An unsure step won't get you across. I'm here. I'll help you on your way. Let down your nets. Leave it all. Trust me."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Memorizing Scripture
After getting back from Mission Waco, I've realized how HORRIBLE I am at disciplining myself to memorize scripture. I plan to fix that. Here are some good verses I'm working on.
James 1:16-17
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:26
"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless"
Luke 1:45
"Blesses is she who has believed what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
I'm making a list of what I want to do this summer, and I will post it later on. So happy to be home!!
James 1:16-17
"Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:26
"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless"
Luke 1:45
"Blesses is she who has believed what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
I'm making a list of what I want to do this summer, and I will post it later on. So happy to be home!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Exhausted
Have you ever taken a deep breath and realized how exhausted you are? I did that today. My friends have been going through some tough stuff today, and I've been trying to be there for them, but stuff like this, and getting ready for a garage sale just drains me. I am so tired. My feet hurt, I'm a tad sun-burned, and I'm trying really hard to keep my eyes open. You ever have days like that? When you are just so tired. I don't mean just physically, but just emotionally, spiritually, AND physically worn out.
I'm the type of person who wants to fix things. I'm the type that wants to just talks things through and work it out. I will not just let a problem pass my way without doing something about it. My problem here is that I try to load too much on myself and will just wear myself out trying to fix it. Beyond that, because I try so hard to fix it, and it doesn't always work out, I get discouraged and wonder if I do any good for anyone. Here are my two challenges for myself today: #1. To give these burdens back to the Lord, instead of doing it on my own. #2. To not get discouraged in trying to help people. Below, I wrote out Galations 6:9, one of my favorite pieces of scripture. I'm clinging to this scripture today. I hope you can draw encouragement from it as well.
Galations 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
I'm the type of person who wants to fix things. I'm the type that wants to just talks things through and work it out. I will not just let a problem pass my way without doing something about it. My problem here is that I try to load too much on myself and will just wear myself out trying to fix it. Beyond that, because I try so hard to fix it, and it doesn't always work out, I get discouraged and wonder if I do any good for anyone. Here are my two challenges for myself today: #1. To give these burdens back to the Lord, instead of doing it on my own. #2. To not get discouraged in trying to help people. Below, I wrote out Galations 6:9, one of my favorite pieces of scripture. I'm clinging to this scripture today. I hope you can draw encouragement from it as well.
Galations 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Life to the Fullest!!
I watched my best friend graduate today. I saw her transparency as she read one of her amazing poems. I watched her parents give her her diploma. Our eyes met when she was onstage and I was in the crowd. I grinned and gave her a thumbs up, and she smiled back at me. I was so proud of her. She's grown so much, and has become a woman truly after God's own heart.
Today was a powerful day. Looking back on highschool and seeing where we are now. I'm embarking on my final year in highschool and part of me is ready to be done, and the other part thinks it's coming too fast. I think of what will happen after highshool, about recording, and seeing where God takes me and my music. It's been a crazy year of trials, growth, and everything inbetween. It's been a year of friends, a year of enemies, a year of anger, a year of forgiveness, a year of promise, and a year of unexpectancy. More or less, it has been a year of life.
I wonder, what would happen if we lived everyday like there was no tomorrow? What would happen if we embraced every moment, and were thankful for every day? How would our lives change? Life is racing by right now, and I hope I can grab as many memories as I can along the way.
My challenge for you today: Live life to the fullest! Live your life to the glory of God because we are NOT promised tomorrow! Love your family, thank your friends, forgive the people who've hurt you, and give your all to the Lord. Take everything one day at a time, and let God lead you. You'll find a peace in that that surpasses understanding.
John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life in all it's fullness.
Today was a powerful day. Looking back on highschool and seeing where we are now. I'm embarking on my final year in highschool and part of me is ready to be done, and the other part thinks it's coming too fast. I think of what will happen after highshool, about recording, and seeing where God takes me and my music. It's been a crazy year of trials, growth, and everything inbetween. It's been a year of friends, a year of enemies, a year of anger, a year of forgiveness, a year of promise, and a year of unexpectancy. More or less, it has been a year of life.
I wonder, what would happen if we lived everyday like there was no tomorrow? What would happen if we embraced every moment, and were thankful for every day? How would our lives change? Life is racing by right now, and I hope I can grab as many memories as I can along the way.
My challenge for you today: Live life to the fullest! Live your life to the glory of God because we are NOT promised tomorrow! Love your family, thank your friends, forgive the people who've hurt you, and give your all to the Lord. Take everything one day at a time, and let God lead you. You'll find a peace in that that surpasses understanding.
John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come so that you may have life in all it's fullness.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
God is Good
Have you ever gotten a look that says "you've got to be kidding me"? Have you ever heard that tone of voice that says "you're insane"? I have. I've felt crazy the past few days. This year, I've been to the end of the spectrum and back. I've gone from the cookie-cutter "good girl" plan of going to college and getting my degree, to the plan of pursuing my dream of being a recording artist and then worrying about my degree. Whenever I hear the question "so where are you thinking of going to college?" I flinch. I hate saying "nowhere?". After my explanation of what I want to do I get the "Ok..." answer which means "you're soooo throwing your life away".
The funny thing to me is I sound like that kid that rebels against her parents and says "I don't WANT to go to college! I want to play MUSIC!" For anyone who assumes that of me, I've got a news flash: My parents are all for this! My dad was one of the main people who affected my decision of following this path. I really love my dad. He's the kind of guy you go to when you want an honest opinion of whether or not your plan will work. My dad is a critical person. I don't mean it in that he's mean or anything, but he will tell you the truth of things. But here's the best part: because my dad is encouraging me to pursue Sarah Camille and a career in the music industry, HE THINKS I CAN DO IT. That says a lot coming from my dad. I have a growing respect for him every day. One day he said "I'll be happy as long as my kids are doing what they want to do." I love my dad. I really do. And I appreciate so much that he encourages me to chase my dreams.
It's still hard to follow this knowing I seem like an idiot. But here's something I've learned about life: it has it's twists and turns, but at the end of the day so much of what people think doesn't matter. My best friend sent me a text today saying God is good. I replied saying "yes He is." But man! Take those words to heart! God is Good!! In times when everything fits together, God is good. In times when you're watching your life fall apart, God is good. In times of blessings, in times of trials, God is still GOOD!! I'm clinging to that. God is good. God knows best. God has the plan. God is good.
The funny thing to me is I sound like that kid that rebels against her parents and says "I don't WANT to go to college! I want to play MUSIC!" For anyone who assumes that of me, I've got a news flash: My parents are all for this! My dad was one of the main people who affected my decision of following this path. I really love my dad. He's the kind of guy you go to when you want an honest opinion of whether or not your plan will work. My dad is a critical person. I don't mean it in that he's mean or anything, but he will tell you the truth of things. But here's the best part: because my dad is encouraging me to pursue Sarah Camille and a career in the music industry, HE THINKS I CAN DO IT. That says a lot coming from my dad. I have a growing respect for him every day. One day he said "I'll be happy as long as my kids are doing what they want to do." I love my dad. I really do. And I appreciate so much that he encourages me to chase my dreams.
It's still hard to follow this knowing I seem like an idiot. But here's something I've learned about life: it has it's twists and turns, but at the end of the day so much of what people think doesn't matter. My best friend sent me a text today saying God is good. I replied saying "yes He is." But man! Take those words to heart! God is Good!! In times when everything fits together, God is good. In times when you're watching your life fall apart, God is good. In times of blessings, in times of trials, God is still GOOD!! I'm clinging to that. God is good. God knows best. God has the plan. God is good.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Pain. Ice. Is There More?
Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Pain. Ice. Seems like those are the only two things I feel these days. I lift my arm: pain. I shrug my shoulders: pain. A pat on the back: pain. Touch, feeling, ANYTHING: pain. Shoulder pain: ice. Back pain: ice. I've forgotten what it's like to wake up in the morning and not be in pain. I've grown accustomed to my condition. It's normal to hurt. It's normal to be tense. It's all just a part of things. Five months I've been here. Five months I've heard people claim they'll fix me. I've heard more solutions than I can imagine. I've been told that I have a screwed up shoulders. I've been told that my upper body is weak. I've been told that my back looks like I was in a car wreck. I've been told a lot of things, the one thing I'm lacking is a solution. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hopeful...sorta. It's just hard to be optimistic when you're sore, tired, and (literally) sick.
I've been mulling over the verses Romans 5:3-5. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us...." These verses were written on a coin my dad threw at me one night. (No, I'm not kidding, he chucked it at me and it hurt!) Mulling over these verses, I decided to look up some key words. Rejoice: "to be glad; take delight". Sufferings: (well, I looked this one up and all they said was talking about things that suffer. Don't you love when the definition uses the word of unkown meaning in the definition?) I found some good synonyms: torture, torment, agony. Do you see a contradiction so far? I'm glad to be in agony? Huh? But wait. There's more. Our sufferings produce perseverance. Perseverance: "steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. " Now this is interesting...Hard times help us to overcome more hard times. Cool? I think so. Hold on, perseverance produces character. Character: "qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity". Hmmm...I'm liking this so far. But God isn't done yet! Character produces hope. Hope: (I like this definition) "to believe, desire, or trust". Now hope intrigues me the most. Could it be that hope is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead us through? Sounds about right to me. And best of all, hope does not disappoint us. Disappoint: "to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of". Now we've hit on something! HOPE, as we defined before: to believe God, to desire His Will, and to trust Him to lead us through will NEVER fail to to fulfill the expectations or wishes of us. Now, we have to realize that God may not always do what we want, but in the end HIS plan exceeds our expectations.
Are you encouraged at all? I hope so, because I am encouraged after writing this. I've clung to these verses in the midst of my trials, but this is the first time I really dug into them. I love Scripture. I love how you can dig into it and find something no one else has. There's always something new and encouraging to see. We have an amazing God, don't we? I challenge you, if you're going through a rough time right now, cling to scripture. It doesn't have to be this particular scripture, but anything that catches your interest. Break it down into bite-size pieces and see what God teaches you. You may be surprised.
All I felt when I began this post was pain and ice. Now I feel warmth and encouragement. I feel God beside me, running this race with me. I'm not alone. Not that I ever was, but now I'm reminded. So, today, my final challenge to you is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead you through.
I've been mulling over the verses Romans 5:3-5. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us...." These verses were written on a coin my dad threw at me one night. (No, I'm not kidding, he chucked it at me and it hurt!) Mulling over these verses, I decided to look up some key words. Rejoice: "to be glad; take delight". Sufferings: (well, I looked this one up and all they said was talking about things that suffer. Don't you love when the definition uses the word of unkown meaning in the definition?) I found some good synonyms: torture, torment, agony. Do you see a contradiction so far? I'm glad to be in agony? Huh? But wait. There's more. Our sufferings produce perseverance. Perseverance: "steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement. " Now this is interesting...Hard times help us to overcome more hard times. Cool? I think so. Hold on, perseverance produces character. Character: "qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity". Hmmm...I'm liking this so far. But God isn't done yet! Character produces hope. Hope: (I like this definition) "to believe, desire, or trust". Now hope intrigues me the most. Could it be that hope is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead us through? Sounds about right to me. And best of all, hope does not disappoint us. Disappoint: "to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of". Now we've hit on something! HOPE, as we defined before: to believe God, to desire His Will, and to trust Him to lead us through will NEVER fail to to fulfill the expectations or wishes of us. Now, we have to realize that God may not always do what we want, but in the end HIS plan exceeds our expectations.
Are you encouraged at all? I hope so, because I am encouraged after writing this. I've clung to these verses in the midst of my trials, but this is the first time I really dug into them. I love Scripture. I love how you can dig into it and find something no one else has. There's always something new and encouraging to see. We have an amazing God, don't we? I challenge you, if you're going through a rough time right now, cling to scripture. It doesn't have to be this particular scripture, but anything that catches your interest. Break it down into bite-size pieces and see what God teaches you. You may be surprised.
All I felt when I began this post was pain and ice. Now I feel warmth and encouragement. I feel God beside me, running this race with me. I'm not alone. Not that I ever was, but now I'm reminded. So, today, my final challenge to you is to believe God, desire His Will, and trust Him to lead you through.
Friday, May 14, 2010
My Junior Year of High School
My junior year in high school started off like most years. New subjects, some new friends, and a fresh desire to see how the year would unfold. Little did I know what God had instore. I may not have been so eager to begin, if I knew what was to come.
I joined a basketball team named "The Beasts". I watched my team grow from five enthusiastic girls, to eight. I noticed shoulder pain during some practices, but thought nothing of it. Our first game rolled around, and I was eager to play. Half way through to game, however, my small shoulder pains turned to throbbing spasms. My team needed me though, I stuck it out and managed to finish the game. At the buzzer, I threw up a shot, and came down with a cramp in my calf, and an inability to breathe. I had left it all on the court and wouldn't return for a month.
After the game, life didn't change much. I continued with my activities as usual. When I asked for prayer at a praise band practice, a doctor amongst us checked it out. He diagnosed it as a muscle spasm, and my mom immediately made a doctor's appointment. "I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to be sick." I told Ben as I burried my head in his shoulder and let him hold me. The promise that it would all be Ok was my only comfort as monday, the day of my appointment, drew nearer.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to just run and run and run til no one could find me. No more pain, no more shoulders, no more doctors. Monday came, and Dr. Doyle diagnosed my muscle spasm and prescribed flexiril to loosen me up. I didn't respond. She sent me to the BPR where I had physical therapy the whole month of December.
After PT, I was better for about a month. I felt great! Life was back to normal, and I could move on from the dark month of December. Tragically, I wasn't anywhere near done with my medical issues. My shoulder pain returned, and this time I walked into the office of a chiropractor, Dr. Schluter. He seemed hopeful, but all I got were suggestions. He suggested stretching and vitamins. The stretches only worsened the tightness in my neck and shoulders, and the vitamins did nothing. Finally, Dr. Schluter said he didn't know what else to do. He popped my back back into alignment time and again, but it just shifted back out. Everything he did just put me in more pain. He said he'd be in touch if he found a solution, but he didn't sound too optimistic.
This all happened on a monday. After returning home, I cried angry tears and yelled at the God who had put me here. I told Him I was angry, and I told Him I couldn't take this anymore. It didn't feel like He heard me. I cried louder and louder. Nothing. I slapped on a mask and went on about my life as if nothing was wrong. I was rotting away on the inside. I felt numb. My depression consumed me. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be alone. God wasn't content with that.
The wednesday after the failure at the chiropractor, I talked to Ben. He had bible verses for me, and told me I wasn't alone. He wasn't going anywhere. Ali, Caleb, and Ben stood by me as I watched God tear my life apart with no hope of patching it up. I watched my plans for the future go up in smoke. I watched my self esteem plummet. I watched in anger and frustration as my life fell apart at the seems.
April rolled around, and life wasn't too bad. I had good times hanging out with my friends and coming to terms with my condition. By May, it all became clear. I wasn't listening. God had been waving His arms and shouting at me, trying desperately to get my attention. He was trying to tell me that my plans weren't His plans. I hadn't given Him everthing. I hadn't given my hopes and my dreams. When He tore my life apart, it was only because He had better in store. I was starting from square one. I felt Him take both my hands, and as He held them tightly, He put one over my eyes, and one in front of me. He asked me if I'd let Him lead me again. I had no choice. I said yes. I felt His arms around me as He comforted me in my loss. I saw Him light the way where He wanted me to go. I felt crazy. I felt stupid. But that's what He wanted.
I'm in massage therapy now. Tomorrow promises healing and recovery. I hope and pray that HIs Will be done, and that whatever I do be pleasing to Him. This year has been a journey. It had its twists and turns, but I see now that that was the only way God could get my attention. Looking back, it wasn't so bad. It just makes me look forward to what tomorrow has for me. I look eagerly to the future, knowing that one way or another, God will have me do what's the best thing for me to do. I only hope I listen better next time.
I joined a basketball team named "The Beasts". I watched my team grow from five enthusiastic girls, to eight. I noticed shoulder pain during some practices, but thought nothing of it. Our first game rolled around, and I was eager to play. Half way through to game, however, my small shoulder pains turned to throbbing spasms. My team needed me though, I stuck it out and managed to finish the game. At the buzzer, I threw up a shot, and came down with a cramp in my calf, and an inability to breathe. I had left it all on the court and wouldn't return for a month.
After the game, life didn't change much. I continued with my activities as usual. When I asked for prayer at a praise band practice, a doctor amongst us checked it out. He diagnosed it as a muscle spasm, and my mom immediately made a doctor's appointment. "I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to be sick." I told Ben as I burried my head in his shoulder and let him hold me. The promise that it would all be Ok was my only comfort as monday, the day of my appointment, drew nearer.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to just run and run and run til no one could find me. No more pain, no more shoulders, no more doctors. Monday came, and Dr. Doyle diagnosed my muscle spasm and prescribed flexiril to loosen me up. I didn't respond. She sent me to the BPR where I had physical therapy the whole month of December.
After PT, I was better for about a month. I felt great! Life was back to normal, and I could move on from the dark month of December. Tragically, I wasn't anywhere near done with my medical issues. My shoulder pain returned, and this time I walked into the office of a chiropractor, Dr. Schluter. He seemed hopeful, but all I got were suggestions. He suggested stretching and vitamins. The stretches only worsened the tightness in my neck and shoulders, and the vitamins did nothing. Finally, Dr. Schluter said he didn't know what else to do. He popped my back back into alignment time and again, but it just shifted back out. Everything he did just put me in more pain. He said he'd be in touch if he found a solution, but he didn't sound too optimistic.
This all happened on a monday. After returning home, I cried angry tears and yelled at the God who had put me here. I told Him I was angry, and I told Him I couldn't take this anymore. It didn't feel like He heard me. I cried louder and louder. Nothing. I slapped on a mask and went on about my life as if nothing was wrong. I was rotting away on the inside. I felt numb. My depression consumed me. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be alone. God wasn't content with that.
The wednesday after the failure at the chiropractor, I talked to Ben. He had bible verses for me, and told me I wasn't alone. He wasn't going anywhere. Ali, Caleb, and Ben stood by me as I watched God tear my life apart with no hope of patching it up. I watched my plans for the future go up in smoke. I watched my self esteem plummet. I watched in anger and frustration as my life fell apart at the seems.
April rolled around, and life wasn't too bad. I had good times hanging out with my friends and coming to terms with my condition. By May, it all became clear. I wasn't listening. God had been waving His arms and shouting at me, trying desperately to get my attention. He was trying to tell me that my plans weren't His plans. I hadn't given Him everthing. I hadn't given my hopes and my dreams. When He tore my life apart, it was only because He had better in store. I was starting from square one. I felt Him take both my hands, and as He held them tightly, He put one over my eyes, and one in front of me. He asked me if I'd let Him lead me again. I had no choice. I said yes. I felt His arms around me as He comforted me in my loss. I saw Him light the way where He wanted me to go. I felt crazy. I felt stupid. But that's what He wanted.
I'm in massage therapy now. Tomorrow promises healing and recovery. I hope and pray that HIs Will be done, and that whatever I do be pleasing to Him. This year has been a journey. It had its twists and turns, but I see now that that was the only way God could get my attention. Looking back, it wasn't so bad. It just makes me look forward to what tomorrow has for me. I look eagerly to the future, knowing that one way or another, God will have me do what's the best thing for me to do. I only hope I listen better next time.
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